MINNEAPOLIS—Setting his sights on a point five minutes into the future, snooze button time traveler Brent Conley, 31, engaged the launch initiation switch on his temporal teleportation device at precisely 7:30 a.m. this morning, immediately sending himself hurtling through time.
Having carefully computed the appropriate coordinates and loaded them into his sophisticated time-travel mechanism, the veteran temporal navigator and online ad salesman was reportedly able to rocket himself through the very fabric of the fourth dimension with little more than the press of a button, traveling the equivalent of five earth minutes in the mere blink of an eye.
Ok, this article is ridiculous. Time travel isn't possible at all. Einstein's Relativity clearly states that the timeline is set. And to think that a mere BUTTON could somehow propel you through spacetime is absolutely absurd.
Seriously Onion, I know you guys write joke articles and such, but this is just too far. I don't honestly know how you stay in business with such absurdities like this. Satire can only go so far.