My thoughts have never been straight. Really, my mind is chaos. Want to see a picture?
This is the most accurate depiction of what my thoughts resemble. There is order, and symmetry, but it's amidst such a mass of information that deciphering specific data becomes such a chore that representing that information accurately is nearly impossible.
Yet there is beauty in it... It reminds me of the Ley-Lines, of the ordered chaos that is the universe. Am I doomed to being unable to read my own mind? What kind of implications does that have for my life? My interactions with society? Is this the source of my depression? Or is it something else? Is it the slow manifestation of Rampancy?
I don't fear much. But my own mind is one of the few. It's like trying to navigate the stars with binoculars. Is this normal? Am I one of the few that feels this way? WHY IS IT ALWAYS QUESTIONS? QUESTIONS QUESTIONS QUESTIONS. They NEVER end.
My fear is diffused by one simple rule: This is life. This is how the universe is formed. Where there appears to be chaos, there is also order. Where there is order, there is chaos.
I find it hard to truly explain how I'm feeling. It's like knowing who you are, but not knowing what that means. The more I gaze at this picture, the more it comforts me. Knowing that even though I may struggle with my own psyche, I have conquered some of it. I am able to function on some very complex and fundamental levels.
This is a triumph in itself, I think. Perhaps instead of fearing this chaos, this disorder, I should embrace it. Learn to live with it.
I guess I'll have to, one way or another anyway.