I didn't know I wanted to be a writer until later on in my life. After I turned 21 instead of partying and "living it up" I was still fixated on video games, Mountain Dew, and when raid times were that week. Looking back, I realize that even as a kid I enjoyed writing stories and was even one of those weird kids who enjoyed English class. I'm still not perfect in either of these areas but I'm vastly more efficient and skillful with them now than I was back then.
It wasn't until I was on an Anime kick, and stayed up late watching Toonami that a show made me realize that this was a tangible dream I could have for myself. That anime is R.O.D. The TV. It starts off slow and very much like a soap opera, but having seen the movie Read or Die, I knew there was something deeper to it.
The main character is a writer called Sumiregawa Nenene, and it details the struggles she goes through with three other key characters Michelle, Maggie, and Anita. Somewhere along the line, Nenene is forcefully recruited to write stories for a powerful being known as Gentleman, so he can use his power to turn the world into a paradise of sorts. He seeks to use her ability as a writer to create stories that play out in different parts of the world.
This intrigued me in a lot of ways, and sparked a new concept I had never thought of before. What if you could, in fact, write your own future? Become a character in this world and push towards your own ending, whatever that may be. While exploring this concept I had a realization. That's all life is is writing your own story. Some choose to tell the tales of their exploits after, while some choose to keep them to themselves.
But I still have this one problem that I can't seem to shake in my mind. What are these experiences in the world worth? Is it all just for telling a story, or is there some deeper meaning? Would having experiences just to tell the tale of them later be a good enough reason to have these experiences? Or should I seek to have these experiences only for myself?
This is still a concept that plagues my mind, and makes it hard to motivate to have these experiences. Not to mention, it's kind of scary to dive fully into the mindset that you're just living out a story for yourself. I cannot make the differentiation between doing things for myself, and doing things for the story. I seek experiences so I can have a greater story telling arsenal, but that doesn't seem to be enough sometimes.
It could quite possibly be depression that keeps me from seeking experiences, but I don't like to fall back onto that as much as I used to. I prefer to think that I'm simply unhappy with where I'm at in my life, and that tends to suppress my motivation to seek new experiences.
So to all of my fellow indie and upcoming writers out there, keep on pushing. Writing is what I do, it's the single most important driving factor in my life. To those of you who know me and are unsure of this, let me remind you that I have been trying to write for at least 5 years now. There are times when motivation isn't there. There are times when I don't write much because I'm too busy with life to come up with them.
But the thought of changing my direction has only come once in all of those 5 years, and it was something I so vehemently despised the idea of that it's never returned since. My path is that of a writer, and it will be until the day I die(or until the day I start taking pills for my problems, which may as well be the day I die). The future brings many things, and the brightest future I can imagine is one where I can write for myself, and for others.
Where my stories help people understand key concepts in their lives that they may have been struggling with, all the while giving them worlds to retreat to when they need a place to go within their minds. I can't think of any better way to help those around me than to give them the power of learning to live their lives through my character's mistakes.