Often times, we use the phrase "Facing the World". It's not something I've truly understood until recently. There are distinct feelings I get when out in the world, and none of them are easily definable. It's difficult to say exactly where these things originate, considering my depression. So many things are different within me than I see throughout people in the rest of the world.
Excitement isn't a feeling I really get. Desire isn't a feeling I really get. Even though I want for things, and do appreciate when they are coming up, it's not to the level I see others get excited about things. I've seen many get more excited over little things than I've gotten over the biggest things I've received in my life. Is it simply because I'm numb from depression? Is it because I've never truly wanted for things?
Or is it because I've spent so much time living in my own head that to actually appreciate these things would never be possible. A recent trip to Ithaca gave me a whole new feeling when getting out into the world. It was a sense of excitement, adventure, a real desire to get out and see the world for what it really was. It wasn't until the other day I realized when I was out of my element, I was looking at the world, and not at me.
It wasn't about questioning whether or not I could feel those things. It wasn't about whether my depression was better or worse that day. It wasn't the sadness of how my life is nowhere near what I want it to be. It was this whole new place and things to explore and learn, people to meet and desire to actually know who they are even if I find I despise them. These feelings I never get where I live now.
Where I live now, I don't want to know people. I feel like they aren't worth my time. The area isn't worth exploring. The sights aren't worth seeing. I'm not sure if it's because I've grown up here and because of my financial problems it feels more like a prison than a home, or if the area genuinely isn't worth that time. Could it be depression? Or could it just be me being unhappy with life?
I can't say for sure. I can't even say for sure if my depression is truly chemical or not, considering evidence that suggests it may just be the circumstances my life is in at the moment. What if it's not as easy as it seems? I don't claim to have worse problems than others. In fact, more often than not when others tell me their problems I feel much better about mine. It doesn't mean my problems aren't valid and that they don't cause me suffering though.
There are a lot of barriers being broken this year in my life, and it's difficult to understand and cope with at times. Some days I feel great and happy about life despite the problems. Some days I feel like I'm one step away from a complete and utter mental meltdown. I know regardless of how I feel that day, I'll make it through. There will always be another day. I just wish these things were easier to understand.
Then again, the things that are easy to understand don't lend us nearly as much strength once we do understand them. So perhaps I should be thankful I can have time to truly get a grip on these concepts. I feel like once I do, and am in a position to really make things happen for myself, life is going to be very, very sweet. Here's to looking forward to that day.