Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking. I'm working so damn much I barely have time for myself anymore and the whole writing thing is taking a back seat. On top of that, I'm dealing with a lot of psychological stuff that's not exactly easy to sort out. As some of you have seen on the blog here, I've had a good bit of psych problems due to growing up with video games(and doing pretty much nothing else).
Even to this day it's hard to kick the habit of games being all I want to do. When I get home from work more often than not I'll just kick back with some Borderlands or Destiny and just do a whole lot of nothing important. It's a nice break to have a chance at growing my character and seeing direct benefits to the time I put into it. God knows right now every minute of work I do in the real world won't see any real benefit for a good long while ahead of me.
Yet still, it's unhealthy for that to be all that I do with my time besides work. In the past the importance of my time was amplified by working a lot. Now, since I'm working for two people and I also have far less monetary wiggle room than I did before, it's a lot more stressful. Add on top of that no sign of advancing Willow's chronic pain treatment for a good long while(the Mayo has a waiting list that can take well over a year to get anything back on). My grandpa is in poor health, I don't have many friends and not many are taking the time to really ask and see how I'm doing.
Granted that's partly my own doing in being so closed off and anti-social. That's pretty standard for me though, and anyone who knows me would already know that. More often than not I struggle with the idea of self-identity and I always feel like nobody likes me and I don't know why they would anyway. There are some self-esteem issues here too, but you know I think everyone's been there.
I actually have been considering going to a shrink lately. There's a lot of issues in this old noggin of mine that could use some understanding and sorting out. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had issues like this. And even if I am the first they've heard of it, maybe I can help them understand it better so they can help others with similar problems. Either way, I felt it appropriate to do what a writer will normally do to work through these things: write about it.
So what if people know what kind of problems I have? They're not so strange that people will see me any different for it. In fact, I think if someone takes the time to read this, they'll be able to understand me better. Let the world know of the problems I face. I don't care. Everyone's got their issues and I personally respect those who are willing to be open and honest about them.
Feelings are another thing that I struggle with. Not strictly in the emotional sense, but also in some physical senses too. Reality isn't something I feel very often. Most of my life feels like I'm just watching my life on TV. There's limited connection and limited emotional investment. I don't always feel situations like I should. Some days I'll drive down the highway and stare off into the distance, longing to just keep driving towards wherever to learn more about the world around me.
Some days it's not even really noticeable. They're weather patterns that are simply another part of my day. No more or less important than how much gas is in my car, or money in my wallet. There's no feeling to it. It just is. That's how most of my life feels and I absolutely hate it. Every now and then I get glimpses of feeling the world and life around me. Moments of clarity that make me wish that every day could feel real in the same way it does at that moment.
Unfortunately that's not how it works for me. I don't even really feel anchored to the real world most of the time. My mind is always somewhere else. Some other world, whether one I'm building(which I'm ok with), or one that I play in(which I'm usually not ok with). Day dreaming becomes a battle at times because that time is precious and I don't want to waste it looking away from the world I actually live in.
But then I get to the looking at the world I actually live in and it makes sense why I don't want to be there. Money is god in this world and everyone around me on a day to day basis feels bitter and narcissistic, uncaring and cold. There's little to no passion around me that I can see or feel from people. There's just anger and frustration. Broken dreams and complacency. That's the world I live in, as perceived by me.
Right or wrong, I can't say for sure, but that's generally how it feels. Maybe it's just me projecting it on others since that's all I feel more often than not. I know that's a possibility, but it's hard to know for sure. One way or another it sure would be nice to know how to go about fixing that problem and that's why I consider seeing a shrink. Maybe they have perspective they can give me from other experiences that will help me grapple with my demons.
Depression is no stranger to me, but there's other things that I wonder about my psychology that I'd like to know for sure. I certainly know I don't think like the majority of people do and that creates a major rift for me because I genuinely care about people and want to see those around me prosper. Yet all I ever feel is bitter towards them because I've never even really been able to have a standard of living in this world thanks to the stupid ways it runs.
Yeah, Yeah. It's getting to be a Teal Deer kinda post, so I guess I'll end it on one simple idea. Life isn't cut and dry. It's not black and white. What works for me, may not work for others, and vice versa. There's no simple fix, no magic pill, no 12 step program to make things better. Life getting better rests on my shoulders and no one else's. But I still need to remove my pride and ask for help when I need it(which is the most stressful thing I could ever do).
So maybe giving people the chance to see the inner workings of my mind is a good way to help build connections. For all I know more people in the world feel this way than I think. Maybe I'm more normal than I think and I just need to be given a reason to think that. For all I know a shrink will just tell me all the things I already know and nothing will change other than my peace of mind knowing I'm not that strange. Because it's that estranged feeling from the world that I really want to get rid of.
I want to love the world, not hate it. I think that's the biggest problem I have. I hate the world I live in and I really, really don't want to. But the situation I'm in kind of makes it hard to not hate the world when you're almost 30 and still barely scraping by a living working 50 hours a week(that I'll never get back from my life). So much time I could have been using to give something real and meaningful back to the world and not just a well crafted latte. Them's the breaks I guess.
Thanks for reading folks, I appreciate it. Hopefully this helped the few of you who take the time to read it to understand me better. Hopefully others will find it helpful knowing they're not alone in these feelings. I believe this kind of problem is pretty common nowadays.